In this guide
The case for early disclosure
UK research following families from birth found that children told before age 7 fared best: at 14 they reported better family relationships and higher wellbeing than those told later (Ilioi et al. 2017, University of Cambridge). Many families start in the toddler years. Early telling means the story is part of family life rather than a revelation, and it removes the risk of accidental disclosure.
Consumer DNA tests have changed the picture. A cousin or half-sibling taking a test can reveal a genetic connection you have not disclosed. Planning your own disclosure keeps it in your hands.
Research on solo-mother families is consistent with this: a 2016 University of Cambridge study found children in solo-mother families as well adjusted as those in two-parent donor families, with lower mother-child conflict (Golombok et al. 2016).
Language for young children (0 to 7)
At this stage, the story needs to be simple and woven into normal family conversation. You do not need a specific 'disclosure conversation'; it is part of how you talk about your family.
A starting script. This example is written for a solo mum using a sperm donor; keep the shape and adapt the details to your own family, whether that means two parents, an egg donor or a surrogate:
- 'Some families have a mummy and a daddy. Our family has just you and me, and I wanted you so much that I got help from a kind man called a donor to help make you.'
- 'A donor is someone who helps a family by giving something special. Our donor helped by giving me what I needed to make you.'
- 'You grew in my tummy, and you are our family.'
At this age, children take this in straightforwardly. Their questions are simple and literal: 'Where did I come from?' 'What is a donor?' Answer simply.
The Donor Conception Network publishes 'Our Story' picture books for children aged 0 to 7, in over 40 versions for different family and donation types, and 'Telling & Talking' booklets for parents, by child's age (0 to 7, 8 to 11, 12 to 16, 17 and over).
The middle years (8 to 12)
Children in this age range ask more detailed questions and may compare their family to friends'. This is a common developmental stage, not a sign of distress.
It helps to explain more about what a donor is and is not:
- The donor is not a parent; they helped make the family possible but are not involved in the child's life as a mum or dad
- They may have donor siblings: other children from the same donor who they might one day meet if both are interested
- They can find out more about their donor when they are older if they want to
- Their family is complete as it is
Teenage years and adulthood
Teenagers often revisit their conception story with more complexity: questions of identity, belonging and difference. This is a common stage and does not mean disclosure was done badly.
Stay open to their questions without defending your choices. 'How do you feel about it?' is more useful than 'Are you okay with it?'
From 16 your child can apply to the HFEA for non-identifying information about the donor and the number, sex and year of birth of donor siblings, and from 18 for the donor's name, date of birth and last known address. Whether to apply is their choice. The details are in the register section of our legal parenthood explainer.
Sources
- Ilioi et al. 2017, J Child Psychol Psychiatry: age of disclosure and adolescent wellbeing (PMC5324532) (opens in a new tab)
- Golombok et al. 2016, J Fam Psychol: single mothers by choice (PMC4886836) (opens in a new tab)
- Donor Conception Network, Telling & Talking books (opens in a new tab)
- HFEA, FAQs for donors, donor-conceived people and their parents (opens in a new tab)
Last reviewed 13 September 2026. General information, not medical or financial advice. Your clinic and a regulated adviser can advise on your situation.